Not Finished Yet - I Am a Work In Progress - Be Patient With Me

Do you have those moments when you get so overwhelmed by pain around you that you feel numb? When you just feel empty inside and you wonder why and how long?

I had ‘one of those’ days few days ago. Things just make no sense.

I look back at my life and everything “Christianity” makes no sense.

Grew up with a dad who calls himself Christian but never saw Christ in his life. Controlling and abusive; keeping the family in constant terror. We never knew when the next outburst would happen.

The pastor of my early years would betray his own congregation members to the communist secret services just to protect themselves. (Her daughter flew from the country to the States and the secret services were on their neck. To escape the secret service’s harassment the pastor would share confidential information about members from the congregation. You might wonder how I know that. I babysat their grand-daughter and I can recall how the pastor’s son couldn’t agree with his dad’s behavior. I was twelve at time.) I remember when I realized the pastor’s betrayal I felt heart broken and lost all my trust in religious leaders. The leaders of that church were people without love, mercy and grace. Religion and love never seemed hand in hand.

Few years later, moved again to a different continent and country – Canada. Attended a church for a decade just to see how the pastor lead by greed and power, full of pride destroyed his own marriage and by that an entire generation in that church.

My present life and the church we attend now. For a little while I thought, that maybe, just maybe there are churches and pastors and leaders who walk the talk. It took a short period of time to see what’s behind close doors – disappointed all over again in pastors and church leaders. I wish, God sees my heart, I wish more than anything to see someone I could look up and follow their examples … I don’t see Christ through their lives. I don’t want words … I want actions. I don’t want theology about love and mercy and grace. I just want to see it how to live it out.

If those in my life who were called Christians and ought to be leaders and examples are nothing like Christ … who to follow?

I am fighting the good fight, to finish well the race and by God’s grace and strength keep my faith. (2 Timothy4:7)

I know everything I am today is ONLY because of God’s love. The people, who ought to represent Him, did a very bad job. I didn’t see Christ in their life. Yet, God came close to me and strengthened my faith, but I feel that I have to fight for my faith.

Sometimes it would be easy to give up.

“For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are.” ~ Romans 8:19

People around us are eagerly looking to see who God’s children are. Do they see God in us?  “We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us.” ~ 2 Corinthians 5:20  If “church” is what I experienced in my thirty six years … do I want to be part of it? If God can NOT make His appeal through church pastors and leaders who are claiming that they are called by God … then through whom will God make his appeal to the people who want to see Him?

I struggle … between God’s amazing love. Oh how He loves us … and yet, how those who loudly proclaim that they are serving Him … are serving themselves, lording over people for their own benefit and Jesus can not be seen in their lives in a palpable way at all.

And, yet in all these years I got to know God personally … outside of the church … I learned much more about God through my personal walks and talks with Him. Through life circumstances and by sharing real life with people, who just like me, fight their fight to keep their faith as they sincerely and honestly share the struggles and valleys and the mountain top experiences in their faith journey.

So when few days ago I poured out my soul again and shared my heartache with my dear Father this is what he told me:

“In his kindness God called you to share in His eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, HE will restore, support, and strengthen you, and HE will place you on a firm foundation.” ~ 1Peter 5:10

I know I been called. I knew since I was small. I always had a deep longing to please God. For long years I thought I have to earn His love. Today I know: there is nothing I could do that would separate Him form me or He wouldn’t love me. I accepted His love, His grace, His mercy.

So after I have suffered for a while … now for me thirty-six years seems a looong while. I would rather say that while I suffer again and again over the years, HE strengthens me and restores what many others destroy. He supports me to understand that He is NOT those people who hurt my faith all over these years.

They – are people … broken people. Yes … more IS expected from those who call themselves Pastors and claim that they are called by God to lead. They have the responsibility to care for the flock and they will be accountable for each sheep whom were placed under their leadership.

But I am so grateful that when people destroy, HE restores. When those who suppose to support us to grow in faith – fail to meet their calling, HE is there to support and to strengthen. God is the one who places me on a firm foundation … and that foundation IS JESUS. In Jesus I will never be disappointed. There is no foundation besides Jesus. Furthermore, God through all these disappointments makes me realize more and more to never look at people, but always look up to Him and stand on the solid foundation of my faith: Jesus Christ.

I know that this is my good fight and because He is on my side I can do all things through Christ. I know Jesus fights with me. I am His and He cares and strengthens me and prepares me to be ready for what is in front of me.

I want to live a life through whom He can make His appeal to those who are sincerely seeking Him. This is my molding time (for my question why)… for a little while (for my question how long).

Have you ever had to fight to keep your faith? What helped you stay focus? How did God strengthened you?